It's (still) all about you!
Do you find it hard to forgive yourself for something? Forgiving yourself isn't the same as 'letting yourself off the hook' or not taking responsibility. Rather, it's accepting when enough self-reproach is enough. Because after a certain point it can become almost a form of masochistic self-indulgence.
Here are some ways to help you forgive yourself and move on.
1) Look for mitigating circumstances:
Self-forgiveness doesn't mean making excuses; rather, it's about finding understanding. So ask yourself: What state were you in? When we are very emotional, we are, for a short time, 'not in our right mind'. Were you:
1. Unduly stressed?
2. Not in full possession of all the facts?
3. Acting from the position of having suffered a very difficult past?
4. Again I'll emphasize mitigating circumstances aren't excuses but possible causes for past actions.
Compile your list of significant factors that may have contributed to your past behaviors.
2) Are you being blackmailed?
Think whether you've found it hard to forgive yourself because other people have had trouble forgiving you. Consider: Are they using this as psychological blackmail with which to manipulate you?
Have you found it difficult to move on because someone else is trying to stop you? Remember you were and are only human.
3) What were your intentions?
Ask yourself: "Did I mean to cause pain to others or myself?" None of us can always foresee consequences to our actions.
Consider whether you meant to harm others, because we can all make mistakes. But what you meant to do and the effects of what you did may have been sharply at odds. If you did mean to harm others, then consider this...
4) When's your release date?
I think this is what really made the difference in helping you finally begin to forgive herself. Late in the session I would look at this squarely and asked:
How long would you have been imprisoned for had you been done? What kind of punishment, had been pressed charges, would you have been looking at, do you suppose?"
I then suggest, "You have imprisoned yourself for years. Tell me, when is your release date?"
If you'd been 'convicted', what would your punishment have been? And when is your punishment due to end, do you think? Decide today.
5) Create your own self-forgiveness ritual:
Yes, you read me right. Rituals are vital for us, a powerful way of demarcating the end of one thing and the beginning of another; hence weddings, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and such. These rituals are important in helping us 'put a fence' around stages in life, and many of us have lost a sense of ritual in our lives.
So, write down on paper what you had done and place that paper in a place yo can see often.
So, having written an apology but also a declaration of 'self-forgiveness', move on!
Devise a simple ritual to mark your release from self-punishment.
Self-forgiveness and moving on.
No matter what you've done, you can make a good life for yourself and others.
In the 1960s, British politician John Profumo caused the so-called 'Profumo affair', which led to his own resignation and possibly the fall of the government at the time. But in the decades after this scandalous disgrace, all the way to his death, he did so much good.
Shortly after his resignation, Profumo began working as a volunteer, cleaning toilets at a charity hall in London. He worked there for the rest of his life, eventually becoming chief fundraiser, raising large sums of money for the organization and totally turning it around.
The social reform campaigner Lord Longford said he "felt more admiration for Profumo than for all the men I've known in my lifetime".
We don't have to be defined by one act or even one period of our lives. In the same way that a person shouldn't rest on their laurels after one heroic act of goodness, feeling that now they don't have to make any efforts, a person shouldn't base everything on one action or one part of their life.
We all need to move on.
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