When Sex Stops

Preface: I'm making generalizations using the terms woman, man she and he... to simplify things. However any gender pronoun works, it is an issue of dynamics not an issue of gender. I simply see patterns in my practice and am referring to the most common. Anything that deviates from that is still relevant.

The most common complaint amongst my patients who have otherwise "healthy" or good relationships, is that there is a lack of sex, even to the point of it being non existent.

In my opinion when both parties are happy and see no problem with the situation, then it's not an issue. 

However, usually both are unhappy. One will be the more vocal about it and complain about the "lack of sex" whilst sometimes (not always) the other will say they do not desire it, they do not have a libido or any sexual interest. 

Sometimes this is true, but usually the silent addendum to the sentence is that they have no interest in their partner due to "xyz". If they were given the right stimulation and attention their interest in sexual interaction would boil.

After a relationship has run past the time period where sex is no longer powered by uncontrollable biological urges to mate with each other, and procreation has been given it's chance, sex now takes on a different meaning and is no longer procreation or primarily biologically and involuntarily driven. 

One or both partners may naturally have a very high drive, regardless of circumstance and yes that comes into play. 

But there is tremendously more involved to the interaction than scratching the itch of libido. I hear men in their 50's+complain about how "fucking horny' they are, and that seeing service providers outside of the relationship does not alleviate it. 

The truth is that their urges are not to masturbate into a nubile young baby making machine, their urges and desires are far deeper than that and sexual interaction with their partner provides a myriad of emotional and physical benefits that lead to contentment and satisfaction in life. Sex for the conscious human is NOT about libido, it's about connection.

When a woman has lost interest in sex YES yes yes there is the hormonal component which is an activating force and a driver. 

However, I believe the overriding issue is that somewhere, somehow, in the course of "real life" the physical dynamics of sex were not meeting her emotional needs, and continued that way until the physical act was no longer interesting or pleasurable to her. 

Often in a case where he or she is claiming lack of libido or sexual interest, he or she is still engaging in masturbatory sessions, finding them easier to handle than their partner.

It is an enormous mistake to believe that women, and by women I'm using a broad generalization and what I really mean is "the partner who appears uninterested, is pulling away, or otherwise non sexual" who are "not interested" are not sexual creatures and do not have sexual desires. 

What has happened is that the sexual and social interaction in the relationship has failed to meet her needs so instead of moving towards it, she moves away from it. 

Fair enough, but maintain the dynamic over time and the spiral of magnetic unattraction creates a chasm so wide that it appears to be impossible to tackle, especially in a one night event. 

The person s/he was once most attracted to is now a list of burdens.

Give an example, you say? Here is a simple and clearly understandable one.

For both genders sexual interaction serves not only biological purpose, but emotional and spiritual. 

So, sexual interaction is for libido.. but the stimulation is also a cultivation and maintenance of life force and fire, a motivation and drive in all aspects. It is something which can make you feel valued, seen, cared about and cherished... 

I've seen that for both sexes it is integral to self esteem. 

The interaction is something that for most couples is exclusive, so the specialness of it has deep meaning. You make personal active decisions not to interact this way with other people... with the understanding that your partner is going to be the one that nourishes this aspect of you. 

It is part of your identity as a man.. or a woman. In receiving, it validates your partner's love and esteem for you.. in giving it allows you to express your feelings. This is just a minuscule sampling!! But if it is so good, why does it stop? 

Real life happens. Routine sets in, and a lack of personal interest occurs. When your partner does not nourish it, you either shut it down, or seek it elsewhere. You learn, over time, that to look to them will not give you what you seek.. then you stop looking. When you stop looking, you stop accepting. And the cracks in the foundation appear.

What happens when you know your partner's buttons? 

Sexual interaction dwindles from mental and emotional foreplay and full body interest and exploration to skipping "the good stuff" in favour of whatever it is that rubs out an orgasm. 

This is fine as an accompanyment to engaged sex, or as maintenance, but NOT as the main interactions. 

Meals become about eating instead of interest in each other. Pre sleep sex is about rubbing one out instead of teasing out arousal. 

Sex in general is now about getting to the point and that point, in my opinion, is dangerous as it does not generate interest in each other, it creates disinterest. I do not know many males invested in a relationship who are happy with maintenance hand jobs. 

It's painful to them that their partner does not have any interest beyond that and the act itself feels degrading. So, skipping interest in the broader human and trying to "get her off" is as uninteresting and repulsive to a woman, as pity sex is for a man. 

Slowly, things like snuggling, being in bed together, kissing, and warmth become painful reminders of what the person is missing.. rather than delicious benefits to being in a relationship.

The solution is to acknowledge that there is real life to consider and every day cannot be a fantasy honeymoon. 

However, every day can be a contribution to your intimacy and connection or a drain, and that is a personal choice. Every single day. The homework is to decide what needs you have that sexuality and sensuality meet that are beyond scratching the itch. 

And to find out what your partner's are. Just as it is important to feel cherished, it is important to feel needed and desired. 

Discover how it is that you can have both with your mate and take action to get there. If you feel you are too far gone for that, you may need professional intervention and guidance. 

Since, except for special circumstances such as a new baby or tiny children in the house, or the upheaval of a change in location or job... it will not get better on it's own, you need to consciously choose to do something about it. 

Or consciously choose to let the relationship fade. The point is that it's a choice.