1.
Parkour
According to
Webster’s, the sport involves “traversing environmental obstacles by running,
climbing or leaping rapidly and efficiently.”
Still game? Then consider this:
You may have to swing, vault, roll and walk on your hands and feet.
2.
Jell-O Shots
Face it. By your age you should know
better than to subject yourself to the extreme embarrassment (and brain cell
loss) of getting so drunk that you fall down. Don’t imitate today’s
twentysomethings; they’ll probably grow out of it.
3.
Karaoke After Jell-O Shots
So … you tried
the Jell-O shots? Then you’re probably more anxious to try karaoke than you
would have been while sober. Go for it. Friends will drive you home.
If your
children witness it, they may not want to speak with you for a
while possibly an advantage depending on your perspective.
4.
Trying to Break a Plank With Your Head
Your grandchildren may have advanced
far enough in martial arts — typically karate or tae kwon do — to pull this one
off.
But unless you’re sporting a black belt, you can avoid a concussion or
worse by sticking to yoga.
5.
Crowd Surfing
Here’s how to do
this. Go to a rock concert and wear soft shoes and no jewelry, zippers or studs
(which can get caught in people’s hair).
Give your wallet and phone to someone
you trust, and climb up on the stage.
Make sure the people
you’re going to jump on have their hands raised to catch you.
Dive. Try to stay
on your back with your head up as you’re passed around — and keep flailing to a
minimum.
I don’t have to make the case against this one, right?
Accumulating ceramic frogs or shell owls may seem more age-appropriate than crowd surfing.
However, if you’re over 50 and inclined to collect such items, every flat surface in your home is probably already decorated.
Since
nothing says “oldster” more eloquently than a cluster of dustables, consider
having a yard sale and starting over with some flamingos.
7. Boasting
About Certain Things
It’s considered tasteless to convey excitement in public about the number
of stamps in your passport, zeroes in your paycheck, capital letters that
accompany your name (unless they’re H.R.H.), the number of people you could
have married, the size of your acreage … or the size of your anything else.
8. Explaining
Your Personal Role in Bringing Your Kids Up Right
If you think your children “never really got into any of that stuff,” you’re probably wrong.
Chances are the kids will never tell you about “that stuff,” but sometimes ignorance is bliss!
Avoid making proud claims about your
parenting that could be proven wrong.
9. Explaining
Your Personal Role in Getting Your Kid Into an Ivy League College
You may very well have made it happen, but stop before you brag.
Although other fiftysomethings might be impressed, soon they will be asking about your financial situation. (See “Boasting About Certain Things.”)
10.
Explaining Your Personal Role in
Fueling the Rumor That Paul Was Dead
Actually, this may be OK. You can amuse younger folks by relating how, in the 1960s, you pushed
Beatles albums the wrong way on the turntable with the needle down on the vinyl to listen for clues.
And take heart! Millennial hipsters love vinyl and record players.
You’ve lived long
enough to be groovy again!
11. Single-Spacing
Your Holiday Letter
If your yearning to update everyone on your personal role in bringing your kids up right (and getting them into Ivy League colleges) has you considering a smaller font or a bigger page, see previous advice.
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